Am I or am I not?

Through the vicious chasms of insanity, comes a voice... the shrill siren stirs the consciousness.. It’s the voice verses the consciousness... the aspiration verses the reality.

Society is a rather strange almost obscene web of ideologies and ego. It has a queer habit of opposing all that is rebellious and accepting all that is subservient. Individuality is seen as a force to defeat because it speaks its mind and acts according to its own whims.

Obviously, there exists a dichotomy and a rather violent one. There are those who colour within the lines and then there are those who refuse to even acknowledge the poor line. The former are servants of the system while the latter are outsiders.

Let’s forget the servants because there is nothing stimulating to talk about anyway. Let’s talk about the outsiders. Albert Camus in The Stranger said, “Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don’t know.” For Camus life has no rational meaning or purpose. We have trouble dealing with this notion and continually struggle to find rational structure and meaning in our lives.

An Outsider is not someone who lives outside the system; he is merely an outsider or a stranger within the system. Their actions should not be accepted as irrational evil but rather conscious and maybe out of sync with what is perceived as normal.

But most of us who claim to be outsiders are the ones in ideology and not in reality. I, for one, am a perverse example. This is where the conflict begins which eventually drives us to insanity. My voice is a direct manifestation of what I would ideally like to be, an outsider. My actions are carefully crafted to create an aura of being what I am unable to be. But the ecstasy of pretense is a vilifying one for the consciousness. It gnaws viciously on your false identity.

So then who takes the responsibility of entangling my identity? And if man was planned to be a confused one, then why is my appearance in tandem with nature. Why do I not have 3 eyes and no mind? If societal frameworks are absolute then why am I trying to break away? Cut out the consciousness and keep the mouth.

I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. Or do I?